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| At the end of the tax year, the IRD office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRD agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice
you buy a lot of bandages.
What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us
a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRD Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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| THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine...
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.'
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| An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying:
Dear Dad
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail
from his dad:
My dear loving son
Twenty million US Dollar has just been sent to your account. Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.
Love, your Dad
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| It's quite a Valiant effort
I met her in the Civic, I'd been Holden up the bar all night.
As she walked in I looked her Rover, I thought she seemed quite Familia, but that was just a Mirage.
I was sitting there with my mate Joe who broke wind, I said "Oh Peugeot"
Anyway, she was quite a Starlet, wearing a nice little Mini. She came up to me of her own Accord, I said "Audi", She told me that she thought me quite Galant.
I'd had a few Coronas.
I tried to Impreza, she told me not to Porsche it. I told her I wanted to Lancer, turns out she was an Escort. I thought to myself, "well that's Ford" but I couldn't afford to pay, she said, "you don't know what you're Nissan", so I paid.
I took her back to my bedroom, or HQ as I like to call it. I was staying at the Sentra. I had a Big horn, and I was an absolute Legend, I even rubbed her Volvo, and we did it in the Anglia position. Four minutes later when there was a Prelude, I went to see if there was any food in my Lada.
Now I was thinking about this a couple of weeks later, as I was sitting on the beach, watching the Skyline, watching the Surf roll in. I was sitting there thinking it was a brilliant night I'd spent with that woman, but I should have worn a condom that fits my Mitsi, 'cos I'd left her with my Legacy, you know, a wee Bambina, and now I'm trying to Dodge the maintenance.
Isn't it amazing what you can do with a couple of joints and a used car sales page from the paper?
Ewen Gilmour
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| The Italian Lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Danish."
Shooter |
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| Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador dog.
"That's stupid" say's Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind."
Shooter |
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| A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he
writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later
he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a
Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel
and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The
long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will
really look the part.
The man is really in candescent with rage now, because the company has
gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a
very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it
harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
Shooter |
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| Jewish Modesty
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion over dinner.
Catholic: "I have a large fortune.....I am going to buy Citibank!"
Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"
Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince..... I intend to purchase Microsoft! "
They then all looked & waited for the Jew to speak....
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip from the coffee, looks at them and casually says:
"I'm not selling...!!!"
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