|
| | | 
Frequent Member
 
Group: Foundation Member
Last Login: 1/08/2009 9:27:28 p.m.
Posts: 38, Visits: 51 |
| Warning adult content  
dOg bReaTh |
| |
| | | 
Guru Member
Group: Foundation Member
Last Login: 10/07/2011 4:40:44 p.m.
Posts: 125, Visits: 168 |
| | This is why we love kids 
BoB |
| |
| | | 
Frequent Member
Group: Foundation Member
Last Login: 25/06/2010 12:25:29 p.m.
Posts: 33, Visits: 53 |
| Whilst on her morning walk, Prime Minister Helen Clarke falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at her nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat her in time.
So her soul arrives in Heaven and she is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,’ says the PM.
'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of His new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'
But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Clarke.
'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts her to an elevator and she goes down, down, down...all the way to Hell.
The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22 degrees Celsius. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is David Lange and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped her out over the years --- Norm Kirk, Bill Rowling, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there. Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet her, to hug her and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Clarke with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Helen!'
'Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge,' says Clarke, dejectedly.
'This is Hell, Helen. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'
Clarke takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like herself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises.
They are having such a great time that, before she realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves as Clarke steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, she is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for her. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Clarke is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor.
She doesn't see anybody she knows and she isn't even treated like someone special!
'Whoa,' she says uncomfortably to herself. 'David Lange never prepared me for this!'
The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'
With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Clarke reflects for a minute .... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all –but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.
She is horrified to see all of her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Clarke and puts an arm around her shoulder." I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Clarke, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila.
We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'
The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!
"Posh"
|
| |
| | | 
Guru Member
Group: Foundation Member
Last Login: 28/11/2011 3:38:54 p.m.
Posts: 404, Visits: 551 |
| Why did the chicken cross the road?  DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
 OPRAH:Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
 GEORGE W. BUSH:We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
 COLIN POWELL:Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
 DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
 ERNEST HEMINGWAY:To die in the rain. Alone.
 GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
 JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
 ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
 BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........reboot.
 ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
 BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
 ALSHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens
 COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Shooter |
| |
| | |
Guru Member
Group: Foundation Member
Last Login: 10/07/2011 4:40:44 p.m.
Posts: 125, Visits: 168 |
| 5 minute Management course Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull s*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.. Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of s*** is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep s***, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
BoB |
| |
| | |
Frequent Member
Group: Foundation Member
Last Login: 1/08/2009 9:27:28 p.m.
Posts: 38, Visits: 51 |
| A recent survey in New Zealand asked the following question:
Are there too many foreigners in this country now ?
Answer:
20%: YES
10% : NO
70% :معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط
dOg bReaTh |
| |
| | | Frequent Member
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 3/09/2009 5:58:07 p.m.
Posts: 41, Visits: 329 |
| For all the derdevil and heroic deeds Chuck Norris has done, New York City decides to name a street after him. After a few days they have to close the street down due to the number of people getting hurt crossing that street coz nobody crosses chuck norris.
Look Out
I am Here |
| |
| | |
Guru Member
Group: Foundation Member
Last Login: 28/11/2011 3:38:54 p.m.
Posts: 404, Visits: 551 |
| Prime Ministerial candidates Helen Clark, John Key, and Winston
Peters were flying to a debate.
Helen looked at John, and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill
out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
John shrugged his shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100
bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
Winston added, " I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the
window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them
out of the window and make 4.3 million people very happy."
Who to vote for? The pilot?
Shooter |
| |
| | |
Guru Member
Group: Foundation Member
Last Login: 28/11/2011 3:38:54 p.m.
Posts: 404, Visits: 551 |
| | |
| | |
Guru Member
Group: Foundation Member
Last Login: 28/11/2011 3:38:54 p.m.
Posts: 404, Visits: 551 |
| 2008 DARWIN AWARDS You've been waiting for them with baited breath, so without further ado, here are the 2008 Darwin awards. Eighth Place In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. Seventh Place A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run. Sixth Place While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an eight foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it t collapsed, burying him beneath five feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. Fifth Place Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. Fourth Place Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. Third Place After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up!, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt. Honorable Mention Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed. Runner Up Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located. And the Winner is...? Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn,Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves.. 's*** happens.' IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL
Shooter |
| |
|
|