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RE: Jokes

Shooter — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 20:32:41 GMT

Jewish Modesty

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion over dinner.

Catholic: "I have a large fortune.....I am going to buy Citibank!"

Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince..... I intend to purchase Microsoft! "

They then all looked & waited for the Jew to speak....

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip from the coffee, looks at them and casually says:

"I'm not selling...!!!"

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 17:03:42 GMT

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he
writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later
he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a
Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel
and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The
long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will
really look the part.

The man is really in candescent with rage now, because the company has
gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.

So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a
very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it
harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Thu, 05 May 2011 12:02:39 GMT

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador dog.

"That's stupid" say's Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind."

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Sat, 02 Apr 2011 18:33:32 GMT

The Italian Lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Danish."

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 13:12:13 GMT

It's quite a Valiant effort

I met her in the Civic, I'd been Holden up the bar all night.
As she walked in I looked her Rover, I thought she seemed quite Familia, but that was just a Mirage.

I was sitting there with my mate Joe who broke wind, I said "Oh Peugeot"

Anyway, she was quite a Starlet, wearing a nice little Mini. She came up to me of her own Accord, I said "Audi", She told me that she thought me quite Galant.

I'd had a few Coronas.

I tried to Impreza, she told me not to Porsche it. I told her I wanted to Lancer, turns out she was an Escort. I thought to myself, "well that's Ford" but I couldn't afford to pay, she said, "you don't know what you're Nissan", so I paid.

I took her back to my bedroom, or HQ as I like to call it. I was staying at the Sentra. I had a Big horn, and I was an absolute Legend, I even rubbed her Volvo, and we did it in the Anglia position. Four minutes later when there was a Prelude, I went to see if there was any food in my Lada.

Now I was thinking about this a couple of weeks later, as I was sitting on the beach, watching the Skyline, watching the Surf roll in. I was sitting there thinking it was a brilliant night I'd spent with that woman, but I should have worn a condom that fits my Mitsi, 'cos I'd left her with my Legacy, you know, a wee Bambina, and now I'm trying to Dodge the maintenance.

Isn't it amazing what you can do with a couple of joints and a used car sales page from the paper?

Ewen Gilmour

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 21:00:21 GMT

An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying:

Dear Dad

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail

from his dad:

My dear loving son

Twenty million US Dollar has just been sent to your account. Please stop embarrassing us.

Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, your Dad

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Mon, 24 May 2010 21:42:31 GMT

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine...

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.'

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Sun, 23 May 2010 21:11:15 GMT

At the end of the tax year, the IRD office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRD agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice
you buy a lot of bandages.

What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us
a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRD Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Mon, 10 May 2010 10:20:48 GMT

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be sixty next week and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get.”

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 07:52:43 GMT

Women Are Subtle By Nature

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
Hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
Forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth

And allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

RE: Jokes

Bob — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 09:19:58 GMT

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color...
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 18:46:52 GMT

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him.

He whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . .

You know what?'

'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck, f * ck off!'

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 16:10:46 GMT

Always plan ahead

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars. Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 08:45:28 GMT

> Two Woodpeckers

> A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing

> about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker

> claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

> The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a

> hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

> The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck

> a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently

> used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that

> he could do it and accepted the challenge.

> The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker

> successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

> Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the

> Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican

> woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to

> peck the tree in their own country?

> After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

> Apparently Tiger Woods was right when he said your pecker gets harder

> when you're away from home.

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 20:38:28 GMT

Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
Kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?' Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 17:11:59 GMT

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am - but it's not only the passion, Mum.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Nicholas.

"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"

I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 22:42:29 GMT

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife.
He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!'' ……………… *click* *BANG! *

Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 08:26:44 GMT

I love this doctor...

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 21:00:55 GMT

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard.

Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate - then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked.

“No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to s*** out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 11:57:30 GMT

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?' 'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 11:57:01 GMT

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of

an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my window was down but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprange up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

RE: Jokes

Bob — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 12:35:25 GMT

Strailya Mate!

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice,' he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

'Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass either,' he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says,

'In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 10:55:25 GMT

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his fuc*ing forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Mon, 18 May 2009 13:37:47 GMT

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one, but never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet'which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 19:25:29 GMT

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Clare's Hospital.

She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone

who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the

name and room number?'

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,

'Norma Findlay Room 302.' The operator replied, 'Let

me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone

and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me

that Norma is doing very well.. Her blood pressure is

fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her

physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged

on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful!

I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome.

Is Norma your daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302.

No one tells me s***.'

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 19:10:57 GMT

When you need to relax and just get away from it all..... may I suggest
'A Day at the beach in CHINA '

I WONDER WHERE THE BATHROOMS ARE????
Where do they park their cars???
Do they have lifeguards??
How the hell do you get a tan?
AND WHERE THE F%#& IS WALLY ???

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 10:05:40 GMT

A FAIRY TALE

One day, long, long ago.......
there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But this was a long time ago.......

and it was just that one day.

The End

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 09:59:15 GMT

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo in
Sydney , (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope
still standing on the curb. 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the
driver,' Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me
drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I'm Pope, I'd
really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose
my job!

And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing
he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it
for you,' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in
behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

(Remember, he's German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but
the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, Dear God,
I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,
but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets
on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped
a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really big,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' The Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is stumped, ' You been drinking, John? '

Cop: ' No Sir.'

Chief : ' Then what makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur.'

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 12:07:13 GMT

What!

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 14:43:27 GMT

This is pretty funny.

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 20:21:46 GMT

*Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it.*

*Caution... They Walk Among Us!*

*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where???'*

**They Walk among us!!*

***
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.' *

**They Walk Among Us!!*

****
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.*

**They Walk Among Us!!!!*

***
I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to
make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kg.*

**They walk among us! *

****
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...*

**They Walk Among Us!!!!!*

***
My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... *

**They Walk Among Us!!!!!!*

***
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...*

**They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! *

***
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...*

**They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!*

***
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces.*

**Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!*

*Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!!*

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 08:36:58 GMT

The Ferrari F1 team fired their pit crew yesterday.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision last month to take advantage of the New Zealand government's "work for the dole scheme" and to hire unemployed Maori youths.

The decision to hire them was bought on by a recent television documentary on how Maori youths were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without
proper equipment, where as Ferrari's pit crew can only do it in 8 seconds with the aid of millions of dollars of high tech gear. This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move
by Ferrari management.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari were confident they would have a decided advantage over every other F1 team.

However Ferrari got more than they bargained for on Sunday when, during the first pit stop the Maori crew changed all 4 tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had
re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car over to the McLaren team for ten cases of Lion Red beer, an HQ Holden and a quick look at David Coulthard's girlfriend in the shower.

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 17:41:29 GMT

What brought down the Airbus in the Hudson River?

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 11:48:56 GMT

Thought this was pretty funny....

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 09:41:44 GMT

It is always good to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.......

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 09:29:12 GMT

A woman was out golfing one
day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.

Male readers :
Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

RE: Jokes

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 14:17:11 GMT

MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is & nbsp; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher.

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 21:19:36 GMT

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire. The Department of Work & Pensions claimed he was not paying proper wages to his farm hands and sent an Inspector out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "There's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £ 200 a week plus free room and board. There is a lady who cleans and cooks she's been here for 18 months, and I pay her £ 150 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work. He makes about £ 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Scotch every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the man I want to talk to...the half-wit," says the Inspector .

"That would be me then," replied the farmer.

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 15:32:26 GMT

Towel waving ...

No matter what Moshe did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize, and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man, and he waves a towel over them as they make love.
It doesn't help, and the wife is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife, and you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home, and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the husband waves the towel. The wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly:
'You see, you schmuck, THAT'S how you wave a towel!'

RE: Jokes

Shooter — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 15:44:39 GMT

The three Dolls in a man's life.......

1........His Daughter, 'Baby doll'

2........His Mistress, 'Barbie Doll'

3.........His Wife, 'Panadol'